What the &%$# am I doing?

Here I am, just a few more days before I leave for Thailand. wat dhammangongkol 2

Wow, even as I say the words I can’t believe it. This all started as a thought just over a year ago. . What would it be like to travel to an exotic far away country all by myself. To live in a Temple with  Buddhist monks? To trek up the largest mountain in Thailand, Doi Inthanon, 8,500 feet in the air.

doi inthanon 2  doi inthanon 

A type of spiritual quest for my soul to see what I am made of. Right now I feel like I am made of marshmallows. Definitely not full of the drive and anticipation I thought I would feel. More like full of indecision and fear.

But this is what I hoped for, prayed for, added to my vision board even. I can’t say I’m unhappy about it because that isn’t true either. I am ecstatic that I was able to manifest such a journey. I just don’t know what lies ahead. Actually, thats not true. I can feel that this trip will be life changing. And THAT is what I am afraid of. Who will I be when I return? The anticipation is killing me. 

Mostly I am afraid of how lonely I will feel without my family. I live in quite a nice little world of support with very little challenge. Am I really going to give that up for half a month as I trek up a mountainside in Chang Mai? I guess I am. What if I miss my man, and my kids and my grandbabies and my mommy. Yikes. What if the ground is too hard to sleep on or my tent leaks? What if I just fall off the edge of the mountain and no one ever finds me again. Oh well. At least I was there. 

To me, being fearless doesn’t mean not feeling fear. It means, sitting in that fear, feeling it to your core and doing it anyways. That’s my plan. If I’m lonely, I guess I will learn what loneliness is really like. If my tent leaks and the ground is too hard for this 50 something wife, mom and nana, I guess I will learn how blessed I am to have a cozy bed waiting at home. That’s all. I will journal, ponder, rationalize and explore to the fullest. Then I will return with my new found wisdom to figure out what comes next. 

So when the next wave of “What the &%$# am I doing” comes along, which is probably in the next 10 minutes, I am just going to feel it, strongly. And move ahead anyways. Because I have never been so certain in all my life that I need to do this. 

Wish me luck!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *